So done!

So, this will be my last post. If Friday goes as planned I will no longer have to deal with any of it anymore. This christmas the person I loved for 12yrs left me. It was my fault too! I hurt him for years and made him feel like crap. Instead of telling him I loved him, I stabbed him with words of hate. In those moments, I didn’t realize the pain I was causing but now I do. I seemed to focus on everything but the right things. So what he couldn’t keep his license or a job. So what he was a little lazy and lied a lot. I should have been happy with what I had but instead pushed for more. I didn’t want to live paycheck to paycheck just making ends meat. I should have been happy with what I had. Someone to love me and two beautiful kids. At least we had each other. I should have cuddled with him more and opened up more. Well it is too late now. I hope the people around me know how much they have meant to me and that I haven’t done to them what I did to him. I hope that I haven’t scarred my kids and they can move on from here. I would say that I want people to remember the good things but really I’ve brought nothing but pain to everyone I’ve come in contact with. I hate me and hope that no one remembers me. I hope my kids can forget and find a real mom who can give them what they deserve. I’ve been hurting for a long while. It’s not just losing him that pushed me to this. The pain just won’t subside. I’m just done. People can call me weak and a coward. They can say I’m selfish and whinny but really those people are not inside my head. They don’t live unhappy and dreading each morning they wake up. THEY DON’T KNOW ME!

My christmas wish!

The only thing I want for christmas is to catch up on my bills and be able to give my babies a nice christmas. Their father got fired from yet another job and made it impossible to afford gifts for the kids. In fact, we can’t even get a tree. My daughter is so understanding that she came up with the idea to make one. I did and tried to hold back the tears but at least the kids were happy. They had so much fun that my daughter wants to make our tree again next year. How come my 10yr old can be so understanding and all I wanna do is cry. I’m gonna make the best of it and do my best to give them whatever I can. :( and teary eyed! Why does life have to be so cruel. I work and am going to school full time in order to give my kids a better life but the hill is becoming too steep to climb and I’m running out of energy.

It’s too painful to remember!

What once was buried deep within has awoken again. The pain is unbearable. I am confused, hurt and angry. I can no longer say that it didn’t happen or come up with a reason why. You had no excuse for what you did. You took everything from me and now from your grave you still haunt me. Why? Why couldn’t people let it be? Why did they have to bring up the past. Maybe I was fine where I was. It’s unfair! It took so long to let go of what happened. You hurt me dad, in a way no father should hurt their child. You took my innocence and changed my outlook on life. You caused me to feel pain and struggle with things I should have got joy from. Even after all this, I took care of you while you slowly lost the ability to breath. I wish people would let it be. I was at peace with what happened or maybe I had buried it so deep that it no longer affected me but the point is, I was ok. Now I cry! I’m angry! I’m having trouble functioning. The horrible thoughts are invading me again. I am having difficulty sleeping. I just wanna crawl under a rock and be left alone. I will get through this as I did before but I wish people would leave the past where it is. In the past! I don’t want to know anymore about what you did! I don’t remember! My mind locked it away for a reason. Just as you hurt me, they stood back knowing and allowing it to happen.

The pain you have caused us!

You were supposed to love us unconditionally but I have yet to feel loved.
Doesn’t it bother you? It should!
You were supposed to protect us from harm yet we were abused and neglected in your care.
Doesn’t it bother you? It should!
You were supposed to read us stories and tuck us in at night but I have no recollection of this.
Doesn’t it bother you? It should!
You were supposed to give us guidance and teach us life skills yet we had to search for that guidance or teach ourselves.
Doesn’t it bother you? It should!
You were supposed to be our mom!
I will not make these same mistakes.
My kids do and will always know they are loved.
I do and will always give them the guidance they need to prepare them for life as an adult.
My kids will know what its like to be a child.
My kids are and will continue to grow up playing outside and experiencing things instead of raising each other and doing laundry.
I read them stories, tuck them in and kiss them goodnight.
I will give them everything that you robbed me of because I am a better person.
I will even give them you because who am I to deprive them from knowing you.
In the end they will make their own judgments as I have already made mine.
Just so you know, if I had the time to hate you I would but I have a life to live and no room for that kind of burden.
I will smile, hug you, be kind to you and even allow myself to tell you that I love you but these are simply actions and words that mean nothing to me. It is nothing more than a act.
When you are dying I hope you think of these things.
I hope it hurts you to realize as much as it hurt us to live through.